Life Sucks!

"The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity." - Voltaire

Each of us is stuck being who we are. Sometimes we fight to change ourselves, but ultimately this has little effect. We can change what we do, but we cannot change who we are.

If you're a happy person, you don't feel trapped. If you're surrounded by people who you love and who love you, if you can do what you want to do in life, if you are at peace with who you are, why would you ever feel trapped? You wouldn't want to change yourself, you wouldn't need to try.

If you're a happy person, hey, you got lucky! Go back to the previous blog, you'll find nothing of interest here.


I am not a happy person. Maybe you're not either. Maybe you're too fat, or too thin, too old, or too young. Maybe your body is fucked up and you're in pain all the time. Maybe your mind is fucked up and you're in pain all the time. So you struggle with all these problems year after year, and you're getting nowhere, and you wonder if anything will ever change. And the unavoidable reality of it all is that, for you, life sucks.

But of course you're not going to give up so easily; you're going to keep struggling to solve your problems, to change yourself, to find happiness, wherever it is, whatever it is. But still, life sucks.
The forces which created you, random or otherwise, have spoken. And they've determined that, for you, life sucks.


Let's assume, for a moment, that there is a God. We may not know the nature of God, or which religion comes closest to the truth, but we can be sure of one thing:


God does not love you.


Look at all the cruelty and misery in the world, which God does nothing to stop. Right now, as you are reading this, there are children in various places around the world being raped and tortured. Most of us would risk our lives; give up our lives, to save them if we could. God stands by and does nothing. God has abandoned these children, and clearly does not love them.
God does not love you, either. There are some religions which claim that "God's love is a different kind of love", which is supposed to explain and justify what appears to be God's divine indifference.

This is total bullshit. If I claim that I love my neighbor, and then set his house on fire and shoot him in the head, anyone can see that my "love" is not love at all.

Another fallacy along these lines is the statement that, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle in life". This is a ridiculous statement. Go to a mental institution, go to the ward for those who are seriously disturbed, and you'll see people who just sit and rock back and forth all day, staring off into space, or screaming at nonexistent terrors.

God has given them more than they could handle, and now they're totally broken. You have no loving God watching over you, making sure you get what you need. You don't get what you need in life, you don't get what you want, and you don't get what you deserve. You get what you get.


If you ask people why they do the things they do in life, they will give you sensible sounding reasons which seem to explain their decisions. We like to believe that we exercise sound judgment, especially in the important decisions of our lives.

I think that this is rarely true. I think that standard operating procedure for human decision making is to do what feels right to you at the time, and then to give logical sounding justifications for what you were already going to do anyway, whether you had justifications or not.
So, if you are pregnant, and want to get an abortion, you will be able to give any number of reasonable sounding explanations why this is the right decision. You're not ready to be a parent, or you need to finish your education or get to a better point in your career, or you don't have enough money, etc. If instead you want to keep the baby, you will explain how even though you will have some extra difficulties due to the lack of money or whatever, you will certainly be up to the challenge to make your life work with the baby, how being a parent will be good for you, what a great parent you'll make, how it will bring you and the father closer together, and so on.
In either case, none of these will be the real reason for your decision. The real reason for your decision will always be, "I did it because I wanted to do it".

Another example, marijuana is illegal in most of the world, while alcohol is legal, despite the fact that alcohol is a far more dangerous drug than marijuana in every way. People consider marijuana to be a dangerous drug, while they think of alcohol as being a fun beverage. They consider those who sell marijuana to be drug dealers, the scourge of society who should be hunted down and imprisoned, while those who sell alcohol are of course not placed in the same category. Logically speaking, it should be the other way around. Alcohol tends to make many people aggressive, leading to a variety of violent crimes, while marijuana does not. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, and leads to a serious loss of coordination and motor skills. At larger doses, alcohol renders one completely unconscious. Drunk drivers cause enormous numbers of automobile accidents and deaths. Marijuana is not a central nervous system depressant, and while one probably shouldn't drive while intoxicated on anything, it simply does not cause anywhere near the loss of motor control that alcohol does, and is only a fraction as dangerous as alcohol in terms of driving. But people are looking at this based on their feelings. Marijuana feels like a drug to them. It's illegal, isn't it? Alcohol feels like a fun beverage. It's legal, and socially acceptable, so it feels ok, so it must be ok.

All of this is illogical and stupid, and typically human. And it’s frustrating to be amongst such people.

I don't know how common this is, but for me, the main problem is that I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.

I have a few people out there who I care about, or who care about me, but no real intimacy with anyone. Worse yet, this is a long term pattern with me, it's been going on for enough years yet that it's quite possible I will be alone for the rest of my life.

This totally sucks.

I would like to have friends I could be truly close to, someone that I could be in love with, but I'm psychologically fucked up enough that I don't know how to make this happen. I like to think that if I had love and intimacy in my life, life wouldn't suck nearly as much.

And hell, I think I've reached the point where I'm jealous of cult members. Those poor deluded fuckers who shave their heads and dance around in public begging for donations, or the heaven's gate suicide cult, at least they have a sense of purpose, of belonging. They must have a sense of devotion for their beloved cult leaders.

There is no meaning left to life when you're disconnected from everyone. You feel isolated and in that isolation you fuck your life even more.

Maybe life sucks because we're all really just big brained primates who were meant to be living in small tribal groups hunting and gathering food, and our pain is the natural result of our living in an unnatural environment.

Or maybe life sucks because we haven't turned our lives over to Jesus or Allah or Yahweh or whoever the One True God happens to be.

Or maybe life sucks because we all have chemical imbalances in our brains.

Or maybe life sucks because we don't know the ultimate cause of, or the solution to, life's problems. I don't know how to end this. If you think you have any helpful advice or words of wisdom email me and let me know.



P.S. 1) This is NOT totally my original work. I took help from internet forums on various things. I have just compiled them in my own way.
2) I wrote it when I was having my kota blues. So it may seem real depressing.
3) Do give me your insights on this one.

Tears: Part 2

NOTE: This is a sequel to my previous post "Tears". I would suggest readers to read "Tears" before reading this to have a better understanding of this post.

And he took another sip from his glass.

"...and that's another thing wrong with you, do you have any idea how much damage that causes to your body? No wonder you lo..."

He reluctantly put the glass down. He was now habitual of his parents pointing out his mistakes. He knew he deserved it and he knew he was going to face it but what he didn't know was it would continue for this long. He had promised himself that he won’t cry again and he was resolved to keep his promise. He gulped his tears along with the last sip before reluctantly putting the glass down. They always said time makes you hard and helps you in forgetting stuff. But none of the above stood true for him. He still remembered everything.

He remembered all the fun he had while he should have been working. The laughing, making jokes, hanging out with friends, doing his thing, All that came right in front of him. He wished these memories would just vanish. They made him feel guilty. They reminded him of time spent and time wasted. He had tried hard to forget his past and start a new beginning. But he just couldn't. However hard he may try to forget them, deep inside he knew he didn't want them to go. Those memories were the thing that kept him sane, kept him company when he was alone in his room, brought smile to his face, made his heart beat a little faster. Those memories reminded him how good life was to him yet he wanted to forget those. He was really confused about he should feel. A part of him regretted ever doing it. He cursed himself day and night for been ignorant. For not giving back life what he should have. These were the real reasons coz of which he had to face what he was facing. But still he missed having all that. The last time he truly laughed or was carefree was probably month’s backs. He carved to get out of this situation.


"... ver listen to us, what has happened to you. You don't talk anymore. You don't participate in gatherings you just stay in your room whole day sleeping or god knows doing what."


He came back to present. He was having another "conversation" with his family. His mother complained on regular basis he didn't talk anymore. He wondered what was there to talk about now? His parents said and one should know his mistakes also the faults one has made in his life so he may not repeat it. A very fine thought indeed; but what if the person already new about his mistakes and all he needed to prove himself was a chance, was an opportunity. Wouldn't discussing mistake of such person over and over again make him feel sad rather than helping him? Wouldn’t it make him feel guilty and even may kill his enthusiasm of redeeming his past mistakes, wouldn't it do an irreparable damage to his self confidence? He in the beginning felt guilty. The time passed by yet the family conversations never showed any signs of differing his feeling changed. He was not sure if he could be angry. After all he had done, did he even have the right? He then started to avoid them but even that didn't work. He then thought of telling his parents what he truly felt.

They would surly understand him. They were co-operative. They had said they have forgiven him. Yes, he would tell them what he felt and then he would not have to worry. These lines always comforted, gave him hope but he feared what if it didn't work? What if they didn't understand? What if they thought he was being ignorant as he was in the past? What if it made them think he is not even ready to accept his mistakes and can’t even tolerate his parents improving on them? He couldn't hurt the sentiments of his parents anymore and also he couldn't imagine making this situation even worse. There was no end to this debate so he kept to himself.

"...son are you? You don't even reply to us? You don't comment about anything we have to say? Earlier you had something to say on everything weather it was your business or not. Now yo..."


His parents thought anyway that he was being rude by not saying anything but in reality he couldn't say anything. He cant say what he was really thinking and just nodding on to their suggestions were not helping much either. His mother was very much tensed about him. She thought probably he living away from home had made him indifferent towards his family. He wanted to correct them. He wanted to tell them he loved and cared about them but it wasn't just in his nature to express his emotions and he already had accepted this and had made himself capable of listening to anything they have to say and yet remain passive. His parents were hurt occasionally by his behavior but he thought he was saving them from a greater pain by remaining so. He felt sorry for enduring this on his family and himself but he couldn't see anyway out. He felt his knees go weak again. He really wished he could have another sip from his glass.

His parents said they had forgiven him yet their actions never showed it... They said they understood his pain and they were always there for him. Yet he couldn't feel their warmth even when he was with them. He was tired showing them that he had changed, that he wanted to work hard. Because of one mistake of his life were they going to pull him down forever? Did they forget his glorious past? He would remind them that. Weather they like it not. He wasn't sure what to do, he was really confused. His hands subconsciously reached for the glass. His mother pointed that out to him. And that did it, he wouldn't take it anymore. He had had enough. He took a deep breath only to let it help him yell loudly and effectively. He made his angry face and was about to release the frustration that had been stored in him for months. The depression, the letdown; he was to end it all. And then he saw it. In that fraction of second when he was at heights of his emotions, which he had buried for some time he saw it all. He saw the genuineness of concern on his parents face. He realized that these two would be the last person on earth to feel, think or do something bad about him. How could he be so blind? How come he didn't see it before? They didn't nag him. They were proud of him and they just wanted their old son back; One that fought, one that loved, one that was active, one that was always smiling. They were just waiting for him to come back. And they really did. He closed his half opened mouth. The crease on his forehead started disappearing as they started forming on his parent’s forehead. He started smiling.



"What happened? You think this is funny? yo...”


He continued smiling and said "Dad I thought match was on? And mom I am really hungry can we talk about this sometime later"

His parents were caught off their guard but his father managed a nod. His mother got up to make his favourite. Snack. They didn't realize but out of Conner of his eyes he noticed his dad smiling and his mother wiping away a single tear from her face...

P.S. 1) This is just a piece of my imagination with no relevance, whatsoever with any living being I know.

2) I have to thank pri for helping me complete.

3) Any suggestions, comment or complement would be appreciated.

Tears.

And he wiped the tears from his eyes... He hadn’t cried as much as he had in past few weeks. His enjoyment became his enemy. He sat down in his room alone. He couldn’t face himself now. What had he done to himself? This was not him. He was not weak, he never cried. He didn’t cry when he fractured his hand, he didn’t cry when he was caught breaking his hostel rules, he didn’t cry when he was punished. Pain wasn’t new to him. Yet, he cried now. That’s what is may be so special about this place, he guessed. It breaks people from inside. He missed those days when everything was attainable, nothing was impossible for him. They said he is set to do wonders. He just smiled then. He knew they were right and he wanted to prove them all right but it all seems ages back...

Ages back!! He laughed at his own jest. That was barely two years ago. He was 17 yrs old and hadn’t even lived a quarter of his life and he was thinking of time ages back... but two years to him seemed like two decades. He carved for his past, he feared for his future. The first major step he was supposed to take in his life. He corrected himself,

No, the second major step.
First was coming here and effectively ruing his life.

He talked to his hostel mates all the time, took opinion from his seniors. They all said the same thing; with the kind of life he had been living it would be difficult for him to succeed. And he knew it was true. Most kids shut themselves for this time period to get through while he had opened all the gates to the outer world. He had enjoyed himself that was for sure but it was now time to repay. He feared facing people after he was to fail. How could he? He was the star. He was suppose to be bright and shine not dull away, not yet.

Funny, they had always said life gives you a second chance. But he didn’t see any. This would remain as a blot on his life forever. How must was it going to effect him though, would be a question to look out for. When people asked him to focus he would shut their critism by saying he is learning something new, it was sad though whatever he learnt then wouldn’t really help him in this path.
The path which was chosen for him, not by him. He was good at what he did; he did what most of the time people asked him to do. Yet, he didn’t want this. He didn’t realize this in the beginning and when he did he was too late. He couldn’t let his folks down after getting in middle of it.

He thought why to bear all this pain and burden to perform why not end it. What does it takes eventually. A jump from building, a cut from a knife. He saw a knife at his table; he picked it up and sat down on his bed. He was not clear if he should proceed. He loved his life. Well he loved his life minus two recent years. But he feared facing the dead end. For the first time in his life he was unsuccessful. He was below average. His companions prevailed. They did well while he struggled. Couldn’t he be with them? He wanted to be there with them. Not here and be a loser. He decided he would end it but then he thought of his family, friends and things he would miss out in his life... there was so much he wanted to do. Though he doubted if he would ever be able to do them now, but still there was a hope. He threw the knife away. He didn’t have the courage anyway. He cried a bit more. God he hated himself. Few know what its like to live such depressed life. He never thought he would lead one but here he was.
He hated his people for they didn’t stop him when they should have. Its not even there fault he guessed. After all he never answered to anybody and he always was such, careless and carefree. Enjoyed his life all the time and whenever the task needed his attention he would in the end totally get into it and would crack it. Probably they were expecting this out of him again. But in this he was helpless. Even if he wanted to get started he didn’t know where to start from. He was lost and needed help and he had none.

He thought time by pink floyd would totally suit his condition and tried to smile but this wasn’t funny. It was not his character to be so depressed but then he couldn’t avoid it, given the circumstances.

His pone ringed. It was his mother. His parents were co-operative with him. When he had told them about his condition they were sad but forgiving. He resolved if he gets another chance he will prove himself for them. He swore this to him. No matter what, he would do then proud. He wanted this to happen for them. coz of him they would be let down just this once. Never in the past this had happened and he promised never again in the future this would happen. He would stand up again and perform. No, he won’t just sit and cry. Weak people do that. He wasn’t weak. He promised to himself he would never cry again. He laughed how he could be so sissy? He was the tough guy, the funny guy and the charming guy, not the crying guy. He finally smiled and wiped tears from his eyes and picked up the phone

"Why did you pick the call so late?"
"I couldn’t find my phone"
"Why you voice is sounding so low." She had concern in her voice.
"I just got up, I was sleeping." He lied he didn’t want her to know the truth else she would needlessly worry.
"What! Sleeping? You have been doing that for two years now. At least now do something worthwhile? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility? How could you....”

And no matter how hard he tried to control, he stared crying again...

P.S. 1) This is just a piece of my imagination with no relevance, whatsoever with any living being I know.

2) If you as a reader has trouble understanding the actual meaning and reason for this post then just avoid this one coz you may never understand this as this is written for only few of my friends.

3) for the first time I have tried my hand at story narration so any advise and criticism (other than spelling mistakes) would be appreciated.

4) I am not happy with the title and would really be glad if any reader could suggest me a better title. Though by the suggestion of a friend (Pri) I am changing the title form "The Stuggle" to" Tears", but am still open to suggestions.

5) A part 2 has been written to continue the story please do read it too.

At 17.

Hundreds of kids on street... some talking to each other some staring at those talking to each other some just walking in their own world some pretending to do so while caring about everything happening around them some just showing off but all having same sparkle, hope and aim in their eyes... Yeps that’s right it’s just a daily scene at Kota road outside a coaching institutes... yet, there are few who have no whatsoever concern with this... they have no aim and no care (or at least this is what they pretend) for the consequences of their utter laziness mixed with total joblessness... this kind would never be found on streets, they could be found sitting at cafes, movie halls, play grounds or simply at their respective hostels, in their rooms not studying but just passing away time or sleeping... These guys just want to spend their day enjoying. Their competitive exam course books gather dust over time... They show they are happy and content with their lives, they have a big circle of friends and have their own unique way of wasting their time...

Never did I thought being in 12th is so effectively gonna ruin my life and also make me loose my self confidence...It was really heartening to know that few else exited who were as miserable as me, if not a shade worse. And I being a totally self-centered person took relief in their misery (I am gonna rot in hell)...so I would stop beating round the bush for now and actually start writing what I mean to... At the tender age of 17 when we are supposed to have fun we are made to take decision which would affect and practically define our whole future life...


I gotta admit best brains of whole nation come to this place to prepare for various competitive exams some manage to stay focus but some loose their way... some real intelligent guys are lost in world of cyber cafes and movie halls... they would have done a lot better if they did what they wanted too.... There are few who decide to live this horrific (yet, somehow the most memorable) life and there are some for whom the decision is already made by their families...Ok! They are adults and one should respect their decision but c'mon, one should also have their own say in their life... at 17 one has big expectation to fulfill... one has to live dream of his parents and elders (now, it’s not a bad thing to do but the person may have his own dreams)... The worst part is the decision we take now practically defines our future path... a person may want to do something which is out of the box... but then he is stopped by his family members they don’t directly say no, which is worse... they would say try your hand at engineering or medical then you may do whatever you want to do...

Don’t they realize giving this false hope is gonna do more damage than good... obviously when you get in this line you are never going out of this (but in very rare cases few lucky ones does get out)... and the kid he wont pay full attention to his work coz somewhere in his heart he has this false hope now that he may be able to change his field of study... so you see he is no good and his whole life is then filled with frustration...


lets take few example of my friends... there is particular one... he was on the verge of committing suicide at this age(well its exaggeration) but what the hell are we supposed to think if writes such line
"Today I chose to live"
"Today I was reborn"
reason for writing such lines... he couldn’t give his boards this year... his school fucked him up and didn’t submit his 12th board form... when contacted they said they did a mistake... A MISTAKE?? the guy will have to repeat the whole reason for no reason at all... why coz his school did a mistake... we couldn’t do anything about it coz my friend wasn’t all clean himself...well every kid here breaks all the C.B.S.E. norms but this guy got a back firing...


People often say me that we have a very enjoyable life... many people out there envy our lives... they all say...."man! you guys are so into fun" but then we all come to cafe coz we have nothing else better to do... there is no other place to go neither any other thing in which we can indulge our self...we our self are so bored at sitting at comp for the whole day but what else can we do....
people say "you guys go out so much to have dinner".... well my dear friends we have so sucky mess food that we have to go out to have proper dinner and the manner in which we have to gather enough money to support this is totally another method...


People say “you guys hang out together so much”. Well its coz we are the only ones who would actually understand each other position and we take comfort in each other company… believe me there is a lot under our smiles…


our family when asks us how is our preparation going on... what are we suppose to say... we cant say the truth... so we lie and when we start doing this there is no coming back...
I mean if one doesn’t perform well one feels low and one’s self esteemed is hurt in the worst way and he starts lying about it... some don’t like lying after all they were brought up real nice by their parents so they just starts ignoring them... stops picking up their calls and also avoids the family gatherings...
Few friends of mine would have trouble getting 60% and there parents expects them to clear jee... how would this kids feel when facing their parents at this moment...


This is just one of the aspects of being a teen-ager… This age is supposed to be two best years of our life when we can enjoy our self coz then we go into manhood and then actually have to face and bear our responsibilities… but then these years are also taken from us… (And don’t get me started on chicks!) I know you people may have started thinking by now who am I to comment on fellow students... many would argue I face the similar conditions, probably that’s why I am writing such a thing.

The truth is neither of the above option is entirely correct but neither are they totally wrong... the real reason for writing is max. of my friends have a case similar to various one mentioned above... we all have fun all together but truth is deep inside we fear the dead end... We just fake it most of the time that we are indifferent regarding this and do our best to avoid getting in such discussions when we do get into one we are reduced to half the kids we are…

Thus at the tender age of 17 when we should be care free we are burdened with worries... we haven’t exactly start living our life and it seems that we have already lived an eternity (not in a good way though)... Yes, I am no expert but this is what I have observed I may be wrong but I am going to stick by this... Now I also know I am not exactly a type of writer who could address an important serious issue such as this... I would be way better off writing funny jokes and making sarcastic comments but I thought I owe it to my friends and I gotta express our distress in a way or other...
Now if you are reading my post for the first time I bet you aren't ever coming back but yes, do give this a thought...


P.S. I better write another post soon... so this one is overlapped...