And he wiped the tears from his eyes... He hadn’t cried as much as he had in past few weeks. His enjoyment became his enemy. He sat down in his room alone. He couldn’t face himself now. What had he done to himself? This was not him. He was not weak, he never cried. He didn’t cry when he fractured his hand, he didn’t cry when he was caught breaking his hostel rules, he didn’t cry when he was punished. Pain wasn’t new to him. Yet, he cried now. That’s what is may be so special about this place, he guessed. It breaks people from inside. He missed those days when everything was attainable, nothing was impossible for him. They said he is set to do wonders. He just smiled then. He knew they were right and he wanted to prove them all right but it all seems ages back...
Ages back!! He laughed at his own jest. That was barely two years ago. He was 17 yrs old and hadn’t even lived a quarter of his life and he was thinking of time ages back... but two years to him seemed like two decades. He carved for his past, he feared for his future. The first major step he was supposed to take in his life. He corrected himself,
No, the second major step.
First was coming here and effectively ruing his life.
He talked to his hostel mates all the time, took opinion from his seniors. They all said the same thing; with the kind of life he had been living it would be difficult for him to succeed. And he knew it was true. Most kids shut themselves for this time period to get through while he had opened all the gates to the outer world. He had enjoyed himself that was for sure but it was now time to repay. He feared facing people after he was to fail. How could he? He was the star. He was suppose to be bright and shine not dull away, not yet.
Funny, they had always said life gives you a second chance. But he didn’t see any. This would remain as a blot on his life forever. How must was it going to effect him though, would be a question to look out for. When people asked him to focus he would shut their critism by saying he is learning something new, it was sad though whatever he learnt then wouldn’t really help him in this path.
The path which was chosen for him, not by him. He was good at what he did; he did what most of the time people asked him to do. Yet, he didn’t want this. He didn’t realize this in the beginning and when he did he was too late. He couldn’t let his folks down after getting in middle of it.
He thought why to bear all this pain and burden to perform why not end it. What does it takes eventually. A jump from building, a cut from a knife. He saw a knife at his table; he picked it up and sat down on his bed. He was not clear if he should proceed. He loved his life. Well he loved his life minus two recent years. But he feared facing the dead end. For the first time in his life he was unsuccessful. He was below average. His companions prevailed. They did well while he struggled. Couldn’t he be with them? He wanted to be there with them. Not here and be a loser. He decided he would end it but then he thought of his family, friends and things he would miss out in his life... there was so much he wanted to do. Though he doubted if he would ever be able to do them now, but still there was a hope. He threw the knife away. He didn’t have the courage anyway. He cried a bit more. God he hated himself. Few know what its like to live such depressed life. He never thought he would lead one but here he was.
He hated his people for they didn’t stop him when they should have. Its not even there fault he guessed. After all he never answered to anybody and he always was such, careless and carefree. Enjoyed his life all the time and whenever the task needed his attention he would in the end totally get into it and would crack it. Probably they were expecting this out of him again. But in this he was helpless. Even if he wanted to get started he didn’t know where to start from. He was lost and needed help and he had none.
He thought time by pink floyd would totally suit his condition and tried to smile but this wasn’t funny. It was not his character to be so depressed but then he couldn’t avoid it, given the circumstances.
His pone ringed. It was his mother. His parents were co-operative with him. When he had told them about his condition they were sad but forgiving. He resolved if he gets another chance he will prove himself for them. He swore this to him. No matter what, he would do then proud. He wanted this to happen for them. coz of him they would be let down just this once. Never in the past this had happened and he promised never again in the future this would happen. He would stand up again and perform. No, he won’t just sit and cry. Weak people do that. He wasn’t weak. He promised to himself he would never cry again. He laughed how he could be so sissy? He was the tough guy, the funny guy and the charming guy, not the crying guy. He finally smiled and wiped tears from his eyes and picked up the phone
"Why did you pick the call so late?"
"I couldn’t find my phone"
"Why you voice is sounding so low." She had concern in her voice.
"I just got up, I was sleeping." He lied he didn’t want her to know the truth else she would needlessly worry.
"What! Sleeping? You have been doing that for two years now. At least now do something worthwhile? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility? How could you....”
And no matter how hard he tried to control, he stared crying again...
P.S. 1) This is just a piece of my imagination with no relevance, whatsoever with any living being I know.
2) If you as a reader has trouble understanding the actual meaning and reason for this post then just avoid this one coz you may never understand this as this is written for only few of my friends.
3) for the first time I have tried my hand at story narration so any advise and criticism (other than spelling mistakes) would be appreciated.
4) I am not happy with the title and would really be glad if any reader could suggest me a better title. Though by the suggestion of a friend (Pri) I am changing the title form "The Stuggle" to" Tears", but am still open to suggestions.
5) A part 2 has been written to continue the story please do read it too.
