Tears.

And he wiped the tears from his eyes... He hadn’t cried as much as he had in past few weeks. His enjoyment became his enemy. He sat down in his room alone. He couldn’t face himself now. What had he done to himself? This was not him. He was not weak, he never cried. He didn’t cry when he fractured his hand, he didn’t cry when he was caught breaking his hostel rules, he didn’t cry when he was punished. Pain wasn’t new to him. Yet, he cried now. That’s what is may be so special about this place, he guessed. It breaks people from inside. He missed those days when everything was attainable, nothing was impossible for him. They said he is set to do wonders. He just smiled then. He knew they were right and he wanted to prove them all right but it all seems ages back...

Ages back!! He laughed at his own jest. That was barely two years ago. He was 17 yrs old and hadn’t even lived a quarter of his life and he was thinking of time ages back... but two years to him seemed like two decades. He carved for his past, he feared for his future. The first major step he was supposed to take in his life. He corrected himself,

No, the second major step.
First was coming here and effectively ruing his life.

He talked to his hostel mates all the time, took opinion from his seniors. They all said the same thing; with the kind of life he had been living it would be difficult for him to succeed. And he knew it was true. Most kids shut themselves for this time period to get through while he had opened all the gates to the outer world. He had enjoyed himself that was for sure but it was now time to repay. He feared facing people after he was to fail. How could he? He was the star. He was suppose to be bright and shine not dull away, not yet.

Funny, they had always said life gives you a second chance. But he didn’t see any. This would remain as a blot on his life forever. How must was it going to effect him though, would be a question to look out for. When people asked him to focus he would shut their critism by saying he is learning something new, it was sad though whatever he learnt then wouldn’t really help him in this path.
The path which was chosen for him, not by him. He was good at what he did; he did what most of the time people asked him to do. Yet, he didn’t want this. He didn’t realize this in the beginning and when he did he was too late. He couldn’t let his folks down after getting in middle of it.

He thought why to bear all this pain and burden to perform why not end it. What does it takes eventually. A jump from building, a cut from a knife. He saw a knife at his table; he picked it up and sat down on his bed. He was not clear if he should proceed. He loved his life. Well he loved his life minus two recent years. But he feared facing the dead end. For the first time in his life he was unsuccessful. He was below average. His companions prevailed. They did well while he struggled. Couldn’t he be with them? He wanted to be there with them. Not here and be a loser. He decided he would end it but then he thought of his family, friends and things he would miss out in his life... there was so much he wanted to do. Though he doubted if he would ever be able to do them now, but still there was a hope. He threw the knife away. He didn’t have the courage anyway. He cried a bit more. God he hated himself. Few know what its like to live such depressed life. He never thought he would lead one but here he was.
He hated his people for they didn’t stop him when they should have. Its not even there fault he guessed. After all he never answered to anybody and he always was such, careless and carefree. Enjoyed his life all the time and whenever the task needed his attention he would in the end totally get into it and would crack it. Probably they were expecting this out of him again. But in this he was helpless. Even if he wanted to get started he didn’t know where to start from. He was lost and needed help and he had none.

He thought time by pink floyd would totally suit his condition and tried to smile but this wasn’t funny. It was not his character to be so depressed but then he couldn’t avoid it, given the circumstances.

His pone ringed. It was his mother. His parents were co-operative with him. When he had told them about his condition they were sad but forgiving. He resolved if he gets another chance he will prove himself for them. He swore this to him. No matter what, he would do then proud. He wanted this to happen for them. coz of him they would be let down just this once. Never in the past this had happened and he promised never again in the future this would happen. He would stand up again and perform. No, he won’t just sit and cry. Weak people do that. He wasn’t weak. He promised to himself he would never cry again. He laughed how he could be so sissy? He was the tough guy, the funny guy and the charming guy, not the crying guy. He finally smiled and wiped tears from his eyes and picked up the phone

"Why did you pick the call so late?"
"I couldn’t find my phone"
"Why you voice is sounding so low." She had concern in her voice.
"I just got up, I was sleeping." He lied he didn’t want her to know the truth else she would needlessly worry.
"What! Sleeping? You have been doing that for two years now. At least now do something worthwhile? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility? How could you....”

And no matter how hard he tried to control, he stared crying again...

P.S. 1) This is just a piece of my imagination with no relevance, whatsoever with any living being I know.

2) If you as a reader has trouble understanding the actual meaning and reason for this post then just avoid this one coz you may never understand this as this is written for only few of my friends.

3) for the first time I have tried my hand at story narration so any advise and criticism (other than spelling mistakes) would be appreciated.

4) I am not happy with the title and would really be glad if any reader could suggest me a better title. Though by the suggestion of a friend (Pri) I am changing the title form "The Stuggle" to" Tears", but am still open to suggestions.

5) A part 2 has been written to continue the story please do read it too.

If I wouldn't have come to kota...

I know I am supposed to be emotionally deprived and am supposed to have no care or feeling for any of my friends.... but now as most of them have left Kota it's like my two years are coming back to me... Whenever we go to together in a group of like 15 people to see off a guy at railway station 30 k.m. away at 3 in the morning, we all start discussing about the time spend with them eating "puri sabji" and drinking chai or coffee... and after one thing leads to another we always jump to the same point and that point would be "who is the next guy leaving kota" and eventually, "why did we come to this cursed place"... I mean after spending two most beautiful years of our lives when we are supposed to be in school being a head boy or a cultural captain, dating beautiful girls in short skirts, we ended up here supposed to be studying for 12 hrs and looking at nerd, fat, ugly bitches...But then we would suddenly go like that if we haven’t came to kota we wouldn’t have met each other... and the very moment the discussion becomes to my utter disappointment sad and sentimental...

I mean kota took a lot from us yet gave us what no other place could have ever given and I am not just talking about math derivations or phy. concepts but some real happy memories... some we would cherish for a long period of time... sometimes when we were real low these are the memories which bought a smile on our face...though again there are some we would really like to forget... I have met some wonderful and talented people but again I have been friends with some I wish I would have never met... Though to many of those departing friends I was and shall be a person with no emotions what’s so ever and a back stabber, whose idea of having fun was to make fun of them... I laughed with them but most of the time on them.... but in reality I did like them all and now when they are gone I do miss spending time with them...

So now back to the point. After every such sad a sentimental gay conversation (though then it doesn’t feel like one) we come to the best part... things we wouldn’t have done if we wouldn’t have come to Kota... it does make us all feel cheerful... Few of the not so censored ones are the ones I am gonna mention... You may not fully understand them but then try to step in our shoes which would be of stepping into a normal teenager spending life in Kota then you may get a laugh out of them...

(Sigh)... if we wouldn’t have come to Kota...

We wouldn’t have made a cyber cafe (U4) our second home by the end of our first year and our first home by the time we reached the end of our second... we would only go to our respective P.G's to sleep and few of us also didn’t even bother to do that... It's a mystery thought what did those guys do on "nature's call...” I mean there was a guy who was at cafe for three day continually including nights... where and when the hell did he shit!!!

We wouldn’t have been so addicted to our company and wouldn't be so jobless that just after getting up and brushing the teeth we would set out to meet each other at various places like U4 or movie halls (Readers here must take a note that bansal where we were suppose to be and study was never a meeting point) and would purposely go to such places which would consume lots of time either in traveling or in the procedure so we don’t end up being like "uhh, so now what's next?".... (We even watched sad movies for like three times at movie halls just to kill time... Man we were jobless!!!)...

We wouldn't have realized how tasty and filling can eating good food be... really most of our mom's had this complain that we don’t each much and had tension we would eat even less after coming here coz this place is supposed to have totally tasteless food... worse then my previous hostel... but then they forgot this place also has few good restaurants... for lunch we would have few sandwiches and burgers then for dinner we would all go to a nice place and eat the whole menu up...everyday for the whole week... our families obviously unknown to this would eventually wonder how do we maintain our good health when our food mess Tiffin are hardly touched... Seriously I never expected to walk in restaurants and get served by just saying "My Usual."

We wouldn’t have realized and learned the important lesson of how to handle money or in this case how to produce it out of nowhere... we spent all the money we got in 10 days or so yet we somehow managed to live our life in the same fashion...This would eventually(which I think you guys would have guessed) lead to totally be in debt... and we would pay our debt by getting in few more debt... by the end of month we would realize we are so much in it that we might consider selling our clothes or drop on few luxuries like eating food... though we would still like to continue going to restaurants.. And when the time came to pay the bills we would realize no one had actually bought the money....

We wouldn’t have made a gang...By saying that I mean we wouldn’t have made a gang! we were like group of 13 people and if anyone went against anyone of us or if anyone would have any problem we would all solve it by any means possible...(the only thing which missed was a name)...

We wouldn’t have played football at 2 in the morning and got chased down by cops for making loud noise in the middle of nights... (I play good as a mid-fielder)...

We wouldn’t have bunked so much that it stared to matter when we went to class... people would get surprised we actually went to class... even teacher would be like are you a new student??? It seems like we bunked two years from our lives...

By this time usually we all are in our own world and we would all start thinking about the things we personally accomplished after coming to kota... things we couldn’t have done anywhere else...for example...

Like I said in beginning too, we wouldn’t have met each other... Many would say we were reason for ruining each others' lives but we never felt it that way... we immensely enjoyed each others company and miss it when we all have gone our separate ways...

I wouldn’t have started blogging in the first place... I started it to pass time whenever I got bored over here in nights... now though I do it for plain fun...

I wouldn’t have watched so many movies. Many of those people even never heard off... I actually watched all the movies there in every cyber cafe over here and I had trouble selecting one from a collection of 3000 movies... I had to find names of movies on net and then actually go and see them... (I have now covered most of the good actors I know)

I wouldn’t have downloaded 16 gb of all kind entertaining stuff from music to Lewis black comedy shows... me and few of my friends were sole reason for two cafe to shut down coz we filled them with viruses... hehehe.. we wasted a hell lot of time in this but seriously whenever I listen to a song or watch a show its like worth it... every moment of it...

I wouldn’t have so random and weird conversation with my friends... who have no relevance what’s so ever with our lives but anyway increased our general bullshit knowledge… I remember my first talk with kala was at cafe discussing Hitler, Second World War and Russian economy...

I wouldn’t have had to actually worry about my mobile bills... Though I spent most of the day with my friends I still ended up with huge phone bills coz of talking to them...
I wouldn’t have made and eaten omelet made from a frozen egg kept in fridge for like a month (no, I am not exaggerating)...like I said before it all come down to food for me...

I wouldn't have developed such mood swings...one moment I would be all serious and decent next moment I would be laughing and making fun of other guys... one moment I’ll be happy next I would be sad and angry... one moment I’ll be like lets just sit next I would be like lets go and play... (People should applaud my friends for they actually managed to live with this)

I wouldn’t have hated studying so much... I meant I was supposed to be a good student and I personally loved studying but after so much of bunking and rusting of books due of lack of use I too became one of those lazy idiots...

I wouldn’t have helped a friend successfully over a “I love a girl" issue when I never myself was involved in any such case...see I could handle serious situations...
I wouldn’t have fought with auto walas over five bucks and spent 200 buck on the same night over a movie with no regrets...

I wouldn’t have slept for 31 hrs in two days... (Yes you guys may show your surprise)... I slept for like twenty hrs got up for few hrs then again slept for like 11 hrs that to my hostel mates woke me up thinking something is seriously wrong with me...(what! I was sick, I needed rest)
I wouldn’t have become so good at lying that even I had trouble knowing when I wasn’t doing it... I would lie to people looking in their eyes... I would lie when I need not and about the thing that don’t matter... and I would just lie coz its fun...(I bet by this time you may start having doubts about what kind of person i may be but let me remind you these are only the censored deed I felt were safe enough to mention ;) )

I wouldn’t have become so fluent at bribing people... it comes naturally to me now... with confidence and no embarrassment...I even have few good lines now to go with the procedure...
though probably I would have done this where ever I would have been but I need to mention my stamina of eating maggi at night... it really didn’t matter if I have had my dinner or not but I just had to have maggi with coke...it basically defined my night routine...


P.S. this particular post is dedicated to my friends... all of them... kala, aishwarya, mandar, raman, garv, ayush, mihir, puneet, ashish, samrat, aabhas and to all those too whom I may have forgotten to mention...